|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| So this is what I have come to realize...
I need to work on ME. Yes there is an US in this equation but there isn't much more I can do about it until I fix ME. I don't want to take medications, I don't want to rely on something, knowing full well, I can and have broken out of a major depression all on my own.
So this is the plan- ME EMPOWERMENT. Its all about getting to who I want to be. Who said that I had to just be like the family curse and just be fat and unhappy. I got my lazy ass this way and I can get it out of this. It won't happen overnight, putting these 100lbs on took 13 years, but I sure as hell hope taking them off won't take as long!
The fat is the root of the cause. I know this. Its the reason I am depressed, it is the reason I have pushed my husband away, and its the reason why I feel like if I lost him, Id lose everything. I DON'T want to feel that way!!
So I have a plan, I have a goal and I have something I did not have before- determination!
So its not just about a diet, actually I am not on a diet. I haven't cut anything out of my life. Can't Have are not words that are in my vocabulary. Its about real life, real choices, and its about getting FIT. Both physically and emotionally.
I know that with or without him I will have a GREAT career that will support me and my kids, who are only 3 years away from both being 18. Wow!
That isn't saying that I don't want to make my marriage work... I really do. I made a promise and I really don't want to break it. For better or worse was in there for a reason. But I can't help it if he's already made up his mind to move on to some grass is greener pasture. I can only try and change my negative into a positive, but he needs to make some changes too. ( Avoiding talking about us- seems to be his MO right now) But ultimately I want to be IN LOVE again!
So I have taken HUGE leaps toward my goal... EXERCISE. From Couch to 5k is the plan! And who would have thought this but it makes me feel better! Yeah go figure... it actually takes away the pain I had before and with it gives me some new feels good pain! I found a track right across the street, I have a Wii trainer, I have Yoga with the Biggest Loser crew & cardiomax too! I also have a son and daughter who are really inspiring and supporting me in this and I know I will be able to do this. My son the personal trainer made me do lunges while throwing the 5 pound ball to eachother, and who is crazy excited to make me an obstacle course out of the railroad ties and tires in the desert across the street. Heck who needs to pay someone if I have all that!
So.....
No resolutions to give up- its an investment in my future- I am a nurse, and to be a good one I need to look the part! Who would take nutrition advise from a fat nurse? I don't want to be a fat nurse. I want to be the sexy nurse and FOOD is not more important than THAT!!
&
If I have to start all over- I am going to ROCK it!
| | |
| So this is just a blog that really no one sees.. its just my bitching and venting when I need to say something and not really "mean" it.
Divorce- this is a topic that it seems is so easy to just throw out there! But if you cry do you really think its time?
I've been divorced... the circumstances were different tho... I knew I wasn't in love with him... I was just pregnant. I had the big wedding every girl wants but, 3 days before the wedding day, the wedding day, and nearly every day after I knew I wanted someone else and that I was only just settling for him...
I wanted Frank... so why have I been such a bitch why have we become so close to just ending it ? Well because we have been unlucky and had just so much happen to us in the past 12 years that the tension builds and the fighting starts and ... well you know the rest.
When its bad its bad, and when its good its good.
This weekend we tried a trip to vegas to see if there was still a reason to try... I mean I could have just left, I have threatened to leave... I was ready to leave... but I just couldn't say goodbye because all I think about is him.
When people say that I can start over, there are many fish in the sea...it really brings me back to this... This is NOT our first go around. Although we were not married before, we were a couple, we were in love, he was my first love... so when I sat outside Thursday night in the pitch black night, listening to the coyotes baying in the not so distant distance, I couldn't help but think... " there isn't anyone else for me, this was it... if this ended... well I would be alone." I compared everyone to him before... after being married to him, Id compare everyone to him again for better or worse.
So I realized, there is more there, there is more left to do together, this can not be it. What we didn't do was connect anymore and because of the lack of connection I circled in and out of a major depression, that as little as two months ago, hit rock bottom, where I have been floundering since.
So....5 hours in the car we talked and talked. We aired our hurts, hopes, and expectations. We had an amazing porn style drunk session reminiscent of happier times that lasted a couple of hours & included all of my favorite things and some new tricks I had never tried or had the guts to try. My friends Malibu Rum, Patron Tequila, and an enemy named Everclear, in a drink the size of the Eiffel Tower and measured in yards not ounces, helped me lower my inhibitions that I shouldn't even have and reconnect as a couple.
During the 5 hours back and the Dam Tour, we realized that we need to keep talking and that we need to keep trying for OUR sake. That we weren't ready to just let go. I was starting to feel better, I was starting to feel hopeful. Right now I feel like Jennifer Aniston must have after her last ditch get-a-way with Brad before they announced their split and its all because of this...
This AM I woke up to a text message on his cell phone from some chick in MA, that contained 3 single words... Those words killed me inside, my heart shattered, I cried, and then I got so angry that I really wanted to shot him. But in the end what it really did was kill my trust.
So the question is... how do you trust, the "she's a friend from high school, she's married, and there is and never was anything going on. We just started talking again on Facebook." phrase in a situation like this? Would I be a blind ass dummy to take him at his word? I mean come on that's what anyone would say if caught in that situation.
He says she was just being nice, its Vday and all, and he texted her back and said that I saw it and was pissed, and she said , " I am so sorry"
But is it sorry, I took it out of context or sorry I saw it? When your relationship is still at the " I don't know stage" would you believe.................
A man and women were only friends if the text message said... "I love you..." ?
| | |
| I am getting one. Dont know exactly when but... 1.) Need to get my Nursing Licence and a job. 2.) File bankruptcy. Only fair to start of debt free. 3.) Put aside some money for deposits and such for moving back into town. I have just had it. He is temper tantrums that are fucking out of control, the tension and stress from an impending explosion are always there and well... there isn't any love left. Sorry to say that after 20 years my heart is breaking because I know it is over and there is no hope for saving it. I dont want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I've already been there and done that. If he isn't willing to address is anger management issues than there is nothing else I can do. A personality shift of this maganitude is just not what I signed on for. At this point I am staying because of the kids... but they'll get over it!! Soooooo.... now I just need some money & Prozac! | | |
| My blog has moved to http://azmominnursingschool.blogspot.com/ Cuz people see it on there. | | |
| Order Uniforms--- check Drug Test --- check Finish book 3 of the Twilight series -- check Stuff my backpack with new books & supplies--- check Buy a new car for hubby---- wtf? Just when I have NO money, not to mention now I have some place to be that conflicts with my son and my husbands scheduales that is NOT flexible... we are down to 1 car!! His blew up on his way to work and cracked the engine block. D. E. A. D ... dead. But hey it lasted over 200,000 miles. Just wish it could have held out 1 more friggin month!! | | |
|
